What do we really mean when we speak of healing? What do you mean when you say I'm getting better” or I'm doing better” when speaking about attitudes, emotions or behavior? Better than what? Better than whom? Who sets the standard?

I recently came across these thoughts in an article by Joan Borysenko:

“The message that underlies healing is simple yet radical: We are already whole. Underneath our fears and worries, unaffected by the many layers of our conditioning and actions, is a peaceful core. The work of healing is in peeling away the barriers of fear that keep us unaware of our true nature of love, peace, and rich interconnection with the web of life. Healing is the rediscovery of who we are and who we have always been.”

“We are already whole.” What a powerful statement. Do you believe it? Do you believe in your wholeness? Can you accept that you're already perfect? Can you accept, as fact, that the only real healing you, or anyone else, need is to peel away those “barriers of fear’ that keep you from connecting with your true nature?

> If you're like most people you'll find this is a difficult concept. We resist it immediately with questions such as, ‘What about really bad people like murderers and terrorists?’ ‘What about all the things I've done wrong?’ Most of us are convinced that the fault lies within; we think, 'There's something wrong with me,’ there is some part of ourselves we must get rid of in order to be good—or even just to be okay.

> Id like to take Borysenko’s thought a step further. The phrase peeling away implies that there actually is something to get rid of in order to claim our true nature of love and peace, but I want to suggest that the real key to this phenomenon we call healing lies in knowing that our true nature exists along with our fears, judgments, rationalizations and anger. It isn't necessary to disown or distance ourselves from those parts of ourselves. In fact, it is highly skillful living to be able to embrace them without judging them as bad, evil, ugly, or even unhealthy. We are most in touch with our wholeness when we arrive at moments in time in which we can feel what we’re feeling without analyzing it, judging it, or trying to change or get rid of it.

> Over the last year or so, I have been drawn to study Zen and other Buddhist teachings. There is one particular teacher who has had a profound effect on the way I perceive myself and others as well as on my beliefs about growth and healing. Charlotte Joko Beck is an American woman who, with her students, is evolving American Zen practice adapted to Western temperaments and ways of life. In a collection of her dharma talks called Everyday Zen: Love and Work, she says this about enlightenment:

“The problem with talking about ‘enlightenment’ is that our talk tends to create a picture of what it is—yet enlightenment is not a picture, but the shattering of all our pictures. And a shattererd life is not what we are hoping for!

“The process of practice is to begin to see why we do not realize our true nature: it is always our exclusive identification with our own mind and body, the ‘I.’ To realize our natural state of enlightenment we must see this error and shatter it. The path of practice is deliberately go against the ordinary self-absorbed way of life.”

Beck goes on to explain that, as one practices this new way of thinking and seeing, first I come to see that my life is totally centered around myself. I notice that everything that happens is filtered through an I-centered perception which I rarely question: I see, I think, I hear, I need, I want, I have this opinion. Next, and this may take years, I begin to observe what I do with all these thoughts, fantasies, and emotions and I see that I usually cling to them, cherish them, and believe them. In seeing this, I begin to understand that when I require life to be a certain way, I will inevitably suffer because life is always the way it is and not always fair or just or pleasant.

What would your life be like if you had no preconceived picture of how it should be, of what you should think, feel and do, or of what others should think, feel and do? What freedom. There would be no room or need for judgment in such a life—no judgment of ourselves or of others or even of events—because judgment comes from comparing what is to what we believe should be. Conflict wouldn’t exist in a life without these comparisons.

Having no preconceived picture would mean we could live in the moment because, if we don’t judge or analyze ourselves, others or events, we have no need to hang on to the past, berating ourselves, wanting revenge, or bemoaning our fate and wishing for something different. Life would happen and we would live it as it happens, moment by moment.

> Obviously, I’m describing perfection and perfection doesn’t seem to exist in this lifetime—at least not among us earthlings. However we can practice recognizing and shattering our pictures, and letting go of judgment whenever we are able without demanding perfection of ourselves. This practice can bring us closer and closer to our true nature—to our wholeness—to the love, peace, and interconnection with the web of life about which Borysenko writes. The operative word is practice.

I have a little story: About two days after the painters and carpenters finished all but the punch list on my renovation work, there was a rather big storm. I walked into my brand new, beautiful kitchen and found water pouring into the house and making balloons out of the latex ceiling paint—we eventually discovered a leak around one of the old skylights. I cried; I was angry; life felt so unfair and I felt so horrible. Then I heard the voice of one of my teachers in my mind saying: “The degree of my pain is commensurate to my attachment to things.” It was really amazing. In that moment I felt myself begin to let go of my expectation that everything should remain new and beautiful. I began repeating to myself like a mantra: “It’s only paint; it’s only wallboard; it’s only things.” I began to feel okay again and was even able to laugh at the unpredictability of life. I took the “I” out of the experience. The storm and the leak didn’t happen to me; it just happened.

Becoming more skilled at living life requires practice in the same way becoming a skilled pianist or painter or writer requires practice. Many believe however, that life skills are an all or nothing proposition: I should automatically know how to respond to every situation in the right way, or, once I’ve figured out how I want to respond, I do it right the first time I try and then continue to do it right for the rest of my life, or else I’m a failure and I have to try to keep this hidden from everyone. It’s so easy to see why this particular picture of how life should be needs to be shattered. If it isn’t, not much can happen in the way of practicing and learning new life skills.

Peace comes from understanding that life is what it is. It may not be perfect, it may not be just, it may not be what I hope for, but it is what it is. I can spend my time and energy wishing for what doesn't exist, wanting to change the past and control the future, or I can accept life for what it is and go on. Peace also comes from accepting myself as I am. I may not do things perfectly, I may not respond appropriately, I may sometimes get angry and cranky and even strike out at others. I can spend my time and energy pretending I’m something or someone else and defending or denying my anger and inappropriate behavior, or I can own it then let it go and go on. It’s about the choices I make.

One of the values of having a therapist, life coach or mentor is the help this person can provide in identifying what attachments, expectations, or pictures are holding us in discomfort, pain and suffering. However, before choosing a mentor, coach or therapist, it is very important to get a sense of whether this person has pre-conceived pictures of his or her own of how life should be —more specifically, if this person has a preconceived picture of how your life should be. Be very wary of anyone—friends, acquaintances or professionals—who tell you how you should or shouldn’t think, how you should or shouldn’t feel, or what you should or shouldn’t do. Otherwise, you’ll be exchanging your pictures for theirs. In some circles this might be referred to as changing seats on the Titanic.

Copyright, 2000

Related Article: Why Psychotherapy?

More Articles:
Dealing with Loss and Grieving
Feeling Your Feelings
Finding the Right Therapist for You
Historical Anger
Living in the Moment
Living a More Conscious Life
Making Choices
Some thoughts About Resistance
Shame

Poetry:
Centering
Affirmation
Anniversary
Loving
Womanbirth

Return to Home Page

JanFable has worked as a psychotherapist for more than 25 years. She has a master's degree in counseling and is a Connecticut licensed drug and alcohol counselor. Her primary training is in Bioenergetic Analysis which deals with the whole person. She has extensive training in the treatment of dissociative disorders and trauma survivors and in using of altered states of consciousness in healing. She has also completed Level I and Level II training in Thought Field Therapy.

Jan's training and experience expanded

Jan Fable
203.255-5055
Fairfield, Connecticut

If you want to contact me, you can email me at JFable at forhealing.org
(There's no link to avoid spam)

I Home I Back to Articles and Poetry I Jan Fable's Training & Experience I Individual & Couples Therapy I Intervention Services I
I Thought Field Therapy I Thought Field Therapy Explained I Personal & Career Coaching I Book Reviews I
I Questions & Answers I Other Articles and Poetry I Why Psychotherapy? I Mindfulness Meditation I Helpful Links I