Jan Fable, MS, LADC
Fairfield Connecticut
203.255.5055
Short-term Counseling for Individuals and Couples;
12 Step Recovery Support and Intervention Services;
and Career Coaching
Jan Fable, MS, LADC Short-term Counseling for Individuals and Couples;
Fairfield Connecticut
203.255.5055
12 Step Recovery Support and Intervention Services;
and Career Coaching
Living in the Moment
Jan Luckingham Fable
People seem to have great difficulty living in the moment. Many feel drained by living because they can't let go of old hurts, anger, fears or their need to feel in control of situations or people. If you want to learn to live more fully in the present, first you need to discover where you have been living, where your energy is being invested. Are you always exhausted? Do you feel like a victim? Do you try to control situations by trying to control others' feelings, actions or reactions? Are you often angry? …depressed? …fearful? You can begin to change this by answering the following questions as completely as you can:
Where Do You Invest Your Energy?
- About your childhood?
- About your job?
- About your decisions and actions regarding your career?
- About your actions and decisions as a parent?
- About your marriage?
- About your divorce?
- About your self-image?
- About your negative attitudes?
- About your social relationships?
If you feel staggered by the list you've created, try to put that feeling aside, at least for the moment. This is an inventory. You need this information. Don't use it as an indictment to make you feel awful about yourself, or beat yourself up with it. Instead, take a deep breath and an emotional step back. Allow yourself to see just how much of your energy, your spirit, is invested in the past-in anger, resentment, remorse, guilt or in a need to control or in fear about the future. Remember too, the past is the moment that's just gone by and the future includes the moment just beyond the one you're in now.
The next step is finding the willingness within to consider that these particular investments are not paying off positively for you. Only then can you begin learning to apply the practice Doctor Caroline Myss has named calling back your spirit. Your spirit, i.e. your energy, must be brought back to the present, made available. For some, willingness may be difficult to find. The investment can be justified. We have righteous cause for anger and remorse in our histories. Some of us have suffered terribly at the hands of others and some have done extremely hurtful things to ourselves or to others. The point is, however, that it happened in the past and, if you're still invested in the negativity of that memory - still holding on to the anger, guilt, remorse, or the hurt - your energy isn't available for living now.
There are seemingly good reasons for not letting go of the past. One I often hear is, 'I don't want to let him/her off the hook.' Consider, however, that the hook is attached to you, and whomever you have impaled on its end is being carried around on your own back at great expense to yourself. Another reason I hear is, 'I'm afraid if I let go of these feelings, I'll forget and it'll happen again.' The reality is that forgetting isn't very likely.
Surrender is the only answer if you want to live fully in the present moment. I can hear some of you groaning as you read those words or thinking, "Surrender! If I give up I'll have lost." Until the past is surrendered - until the fantasy of being able to do it over, of making it come out differently, is given up - your energy will be invested there and not available to you. Until you give up looking into the future, fearing what it will bring, trying to control outcomes, believing you know what someone thinks about you and that you can control it, your energy will be invested there and unavailable in the present, where it's really needed. It is only through surrender that you can regain this energy.
> Getting to surrender is the journey of a lifetime. It is the work of therapy, spiritual counseling, self-help, twelve step programs, conscious healing, bodywork, meditation, visualization, relaxation. We never do it perfectly because life always gives something new, an event, feeling, or new person to deal with and let go of. It's an oxymoron to talk about 'working hard to surrender.' Buddha taught that all is illusion. Christ taught that all is love. Both required surrender as the path to enlightenment. The secret lies in recognizing what you're holding onto, and letting go - letting it float away in life's current, no less real, but no longer in your focus. Think of your consciousness as a river flowing around and by you. Think of the negative memories, fears and people you hold on to and keep with you in the present. If you let them go, the current will take them.
To let go of a negative memory or thought, consciously instruct yourself to release it whenever it surfaces. Refuse to invest in negativity. It's helpful to actually use the word, to say (silently or aloud) "I release you and I release any hold I have given you over me." This will help shift your focus to the present. Next do whatever is before you to do - vacuum the carpet, shovel the walk, prepare a meal, do your job, play with your children - focusing your mind fully on that task, leaving no room for the negativity. If it's a struggle, silently narrate your own actions in order to bring your attention to the present. For instance, Now I'm walking up the stairs: one, two, three, four, … now I'm washing a glass, sides, bottom, rim… now I'm dialing the phone, and so forth. If you find yourself thinking obsessively about an event or person, interrupt the thoughts with a prayer, or begin counting or reciting the alphabet. This sounds so simple, people often laugh, but it works.
You'll find you have to do this over and over throughout the day - perhaps for weeks, months, or even longer. Don't feel you're a failure if you need help with it. Most of us do, and there's plenty of help available. If, each time the negativity arises, you repeat the words of release until the thought recedes, until it floats away, you will find yourself in the present more and more of the time. If you stay with it long enough, letting go of negativity will eventually become second nature to you and your energy, your spirit, will be yours to invest positively in the present - in living, in loving, and in healing.
Related Article: Why Psychotherapy?
More Articles:
Dealing with Loss and Grieving
Feeling Your Feelings
Finding the Right Therapist for You
Healing into Peace and Wholeness
Historical Anger
Living a More Conscious Life
Making Choices
Some thoughts About Resistance
ShamePoetry:
Affirmation
Anniversary
Centering
Loving
Womanbirth
JanFable has worked as a psychotherapist for more than 25 years. She has a master's degree in counseling and is a Connecticut licensed drug and alcohol counselor. Her primary training is in Bioenergetic Analysis which deals with the whole person. She has extensive training in the treatment of dissociative disorders and trauma survivors and in using of altered states of consciousness in healing. She has also completed Level I and Level II training in Thought Field Therapy.
Jan's training and experience expanded
Jan Fable
203.255-5055
Fairfield, Connecticut
If you want to contact me, you can email me at JFable at forhealing.org
(There's no link to avoid spam)
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